The blue area - voice 1

Um, gosh, my name has been mispronounced so many times in pretty much every way imaginable, whereas it's really quite easy to say – it's very melodic. And, you know, it's not unheard of to know how to pronounce names from other cultures. But yeah, definitely been a- not a sore point, but it's been something that's pissed me off more and more as I get older. Especially when, you know, people know- maybe in situations where people know that they're going to have to pronounce it and then don't even ask how to pronounce it. Like, that's fine, like, you know, if you don't know how to do something or say something, you know, you just, you just ask and you learn. It's a respectful thing to do. But I think when you just sort of go into it, and then mispronounce it umm, is pretty, it's pretty disrespectful. And yeah, I don't know. Like, my full name is Merinda Sonali Dias-Jayasinha. And, you know, it can roll off the tongue. People should know how to say names from other cultures. But yeah, it's just disheartening. And it kind of, it kind of ignores- I think people maybe don't ask that question of 'how do you, how do you say your name?' 'Oh where's that from?' That's the whole you know, 'Oh where's that from?' is a whole other can of worms. But I think people don't ask that question of ‘how do you pronounce your name?’ because I think before they know my last name, is that they assume that I, that I might not have a last name like that because of how I present. You know, it's a Sri Lankan last name, it's a Sri Lankan last name. And my Dad is Sri Lankan, his parents are Sri Lankan. And, yeah, I like, I have, I have white skin and red hair and freckles, like, you know, totally not what you'd expect, stereotypically of an Asian Australian, but, you know, the world's a bigger place now. And who honestly cares, just have the courtesy to ask. And yeah, I think it's gotten-, yes, I think because I'm white passing, and yeah, just like my whole colouration, people don't, people don't expect the long last name, the long, unusual, hard to pronounce name when they see me. So then when they do go to say it, you know, it's all- they butcher it, you know? I remember a couple of classics from school, you know, teachers who probably should be saying the names correctly. Haha I won't say them again, my gosh, quite hilarious looking back on it. But yeah, I think I, the reason I'm getting more and more annoyed or rattled by it these days is because I'm so much more aware of, I'm aware of that cultural heritage from that side of the family, and I'm really proud of it and have felt a bit, I don't know, I feel like by not recognising my name and sort of, I don't know, I feel like there's a bit of cultural erasure happening that's out of my control because of how I look. And I really would love for people to see that sort of, I'd love for people to see that side of me without me having to explain it. You know, because I want to, I want it to be able to, I want to be able to be proud, proud about it, but not have to go through the labour of you know, telling the story over and over again, like, you know, I'm half Sri Lankan, I don't even like to say half because like, you know the that's a whole sort of colonial system in terms of percentages, but, you know, I'm half Sri Lankan, and my Dad is Sri Lankan, his parents are Sri Lankan and they were born in Colombo, and then.. but then they moved to London. Dad and his sister were born there and then they moved here when he was young and then we were born here. It's a, it's an interesting migration story. And one that, I guess caused a lot of confusion, a lot of commonality between like the whole family because we've all got this sort of like, and have come to it at different times sort of strange, strange way of telling that story, interpreting that or considering ourselves and who we are and our identity. Yeah, it just like, it just blurs those, those lines even more, and, and, yeah, I guess, I guess puts you on the back foot. I feel like at least I've felt like it's put me on the back foot a little bit through life, because I haven't had to confront those things because I've been white passing and so people haven't asked. But as I grow, and you know, need to feel like that whole person more and more, it becomes more annoying when people don't just immediately see that, or could recognise the last name and just sort of see it, but don't have to question it. Yeah, so I think, yeah, that question of skin colour, like, you know, I gotta say, like, I don't want to be anyone. Yeah, I'm very, I'm very content with who I am and how I look. And you know, I love that our family, my two sisters, Mum and Dad, we all have different skin colours - none of us look alike. And I absolutely love that. It's so interesting how genetics work like that. But I think being the eldest child, it's been interesting, especially comparing it with my middle sister, Elena who's much more, she's she's got brown skin, looks more Sri Lankan. And, yeah, it's been so interesting comparing our experiences of her kind of having to confront again, this is got to be contextualised within quite a white Australian schooling system. And them being you know, our peers growing up. She had to confront her, I'll call it otherness or that her skin colour- because compared with the other 20-25 people in her class, you know, she had, she was, she had this different colouring. And, you know, at the time, even in the early 2000s, didn't have a lot of role models on screen. She, and we've talked about this, like she had me older than her, and then Mum, these two white people, and white coloured people. And, you know, that's, that was really hard, but she and she had to sort of do what she had to do a lot of work to understand that and to feel okay about that. And that's just that just like, hasn't been the case for me, because and I've had to, like, confront that a bit later in life, because there's been this sort of yeah, this sort of external cultural erasure where I don't look definitively Asian. And so, the kind of typically Asian spaces, you know, I feel really comfortable in them, but I worry that the people in there don't feel as comfortable with me being there because again, they don't know that I'm Asian Australian. Yeah, it's been interesting. In the end, she's just like, found, she's been able to sort of find those Asian spaces and, you know, cement parts of her identity and feel really comfortable. And yeah, and there's nothing wrong with either, there's nothing right or wrong about anything. It's just, it's just such a different experience that we've kind of talked about, and in part have pinned down to that, that point of skin colour. So in many ways, like, my kind of like, and look, culture, culture has been, Sri Lankan culture has been a part of my life, you know, my whole life because there's been so many different elements of it. Obviously, there's some family things we do, there's food, but in terms of sort of really stepping in, into who I am and investigating that identity and being interested and really quite aware of or more it's like, my awareness increased and I wanted to actively acknowledge it and be able to honour it. That happened really kind of recently, like probably a lot during the COVID-19 pandemic, because I'm in Melbourne, my family's in Brisbane, and that kind of physical distance hasn't been so enforced ever. And we're really, we're really tight knit family. And, yeah, that kind of physical distance from maybe, you know, from birthday celebrations where we might eat some special Sri Lankan meal or you know, I don't know that those stories from and it's from both, both sides of the family but that access to stories and just sort of hanging out and just sort of you know, getting to know the more as people as an adult that was less, it was just not available in that you know, face to face way and I think I really felt that it really like it opened, it unlocked something in me that I think was waiting to be unlocked for a long time but it was definitely the onset of these sort of yeah, these sort of feelings of yeah wanting, wanting, just wanting to know and be able to kind of hold this heritage. So there is this huge cloud of colonisation most everywhere, but in terms of my family's story. First of all, I acknowledge that I live on stolen lands, unceded lands, and the Indigenous People of so-called Australia. And that's something to hold people to account for and, hopefully amend, and thinking in a sort of broader context of the family, it's, it's interesting. So, my grandparents were born in Colombo in Sri Lanka, grew up there, started their young lives there and the country was under, well, the country of Sri Lanka was colonised by the Dutch, the Portuguese and the British. Granna and Grandpa lived in Colombo, which was a British area, Singhalese area. And you know, so many of the systems that were in place were British, you know, the first, the primary language of the country is English, Granna and Grandpa spoke English and then Singhalese second. Business was conducted in English, schooling was conducted in English with completely British systems, British literature. I don't really know about learning Sri Lankan literature or culture within the school context, I need to ask them about that. But, you know, going from this sort of, you know, a colonised country, moving to London, when they were married, having their children and then moving to Australia, it's a lot, it's a lot of, it's just, it's very convoluted. Cause in the late 40s, Sri Lanka reverted to a Republic and Singhalese became the national language and, you know, Granna and Grandpa felt alien in their own country because of course, all the, all the systems that you built your lives around have been swapped, but it's back to, it's a, it's a reclamation, like it's a, it's a back to what once and probably should have been without colonial rule. But you know, where does that put all these people? And a lot of them moved abroad. I've got family everywhere, there's cousins in Germany, in England in the States, kind of scattered all around. Probably, you know, because of that kind of movement. And yeah, like there was a bit when Granna and Grandpa got married, there's a real feeling of like, you'd go to the motherland, England, to continue your life. There's a real kind of goal they said of, of young Sri Lankans at the time. And then they had Dad and Aunty Ru. And, you know, they lived there for a while, Dad was- and then when Dad was eight, Aunty Ru was four, they moved to Australia and set up themselves in Brisbane. And yeah, it's, it's something that you know, it's an, it's an interesting space, because they've also commented on how they were treated. You know, again, it's a, it's a weird thing where they were treated, probably in a way that was more accepted. Because they were coming from Britain, there was a, and it was post the White Australia policy as well, which is... you know, here are these brown folks but they're still not treated as Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, as First Nations peoples. And that, it, it baffles me, and it's deeply upsetting. And I just can't believe the politics in this country have gone so long. It's such a selectively racist country. And yeah, there are no words. I think the, that kind of story of migration though, for my family, like, it's quite inspiring to me that Granna and Grandpa moved. Yeah, made these two huge moves. And in terms of just like, uprooting your lives, first, from Sri Lanka to England, and then England to Australia. You know, and the second trip with two young children, that's huge. Like, that takes incredible courage, and bravery, and a real stoic-ness to just, you know, completely restart your lives and to do, to do what they did in, in coming to Australia and setting, setting up themselves and working really hard to make sure you're Dad and Aunty Ru had the best opportunities possible. You know, that's, it's so inspiring. And I think, I think in any sort of, story of immigration or a family who's, who's had, who has a personal story of migrants and connections to people in their family, who have moved countries, like it's just one of complete awe and inspiration. I will, yeah and just so, so much respect for those people who moved hoping for a better life and you know, in a lot of cases for their children, you know, if they hadn't done that, you know, it, you know, brings it all, into question or, you know, all those hypotheticals 'oh would I have been born... yadayadayada'. But, you know, so much of the sacrifices that they made, have meant that, you know, me and my sisters as the youngest, in least of my family, you know, we have the best opportunity we have, you know, we've been given so many opportunities, because that was the case for them. And so, yeah, it's just the, the impact that it's had on my life is, is that I'm just incredibly grateful for all my grandparents, and then also Mum and Dad because, you know, that story, you know, it instils that in me, for sure and instils that in them as well. You know, seeing your parents do that - that one that one degree of connection closer to whatever happened when it happened, you know, wow. Yeah, but as I come to know about it more and acknowledge it and investigate it more, especially when you're putting it into an artistic context. Like, it's so important to, it's going to be a continuous journey of learning about you know what colonisation has meant for this country but also for Sri Lanka, because and, you know, I don't I don't fully know because we're not connected to any of the politics now there as a family unit necessarily, you know, I don't read, I don't really know, the lay of the land. You know, we went back to Sri Lanka in 2013, was it? Yeah, it must have been, yeah, oh, 2012, no, 2013. And, you know, I, I know that that was after the Civil War ended. And, you know, I just don't really know, we went again, again, it's that, that question of I, country history versus family history, we went to see where grandma grandpa grew up to meet some family members to sort of see parts of the country where they lived their lives but you know, the context of the trip was so much a family thing, like my Dad said he felt more like a tourist there. And you know, I did as well because I was a kid, but it would have been you know, it was a different experience for Granna and Grandpa, but it's that, it's that separation of like, I don't you know, I'm not related to the country in a political sense. And so, it'd be interesting to learn more about you know, the, the continuing effects of colonisation, of, of how that affected Granna and Grandpa and the whole migration across the world and even to the family members, like there's so many in Australia now as well and yeah, it's gonna, it's gonna be a long road of, of hopefully lots of listening and learning. I can't really count; I definitely can't count the amount of times that my last name has been mispronounced. My full name is Merinda Sonali Dias-Jayasinha. And Merinda is an Indigenous name from Australia. And then Sonali Dias-Jayasinha is a Singhalese name from Sri Lanka. And my gosh, schooling was a nightmare for the people who had to say my last name. And you know, it wasn't just sort of people who would read it quickly, you know, in a succession of names, you know, sometimes people who really should know my name like, I don't know, you know, people who were my home group teacher or you know, people who have known me for, you know, since I was six or throughout primary school, you know, they would mispronounce and then, you know, you wouldn't really correct them, because definitely at that age, you wouldn't have the language to, you definitely don't have the language to understand. And obviously, we could say it all correctly, we'd repeat it, and then, you know, their tongue was just not around it. And that was, you know, you'd sort of shrug it off as a kid and then I got more annoying during high school for sure, when, you know, you would be announced for, your name would be announced, you know, as the winner of a prize or for doing something, you know, extra whatever but, you know, you'd hope that people, leaders and teachers within a multicultural school would learn to say your name correctly, but didn't necessarily happen all the time. And I can't, you know, and that was me I was the eldest, I'm the eldest daughter of three and, you know, I hope that by the time it got down to my youngest sister Arwen, you know, people will be able to say it correctly, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. Definitely wasn't the case with my middle sister, Elena, like, you know, I was still at school with her, and people wouldn't pronounce it correctly. And that was the same for a lot of people who probably identified as culturally and linguistically diverse with you know, that having that, having that non sort of typical white Australian name, you know, people would just stumble and stumble over and it was pretty disheartening, but you know, you just shrug it off. It absolutely pisses me off now because, you know, if they can say some complicated German name, if they can say, and I know, this is a cliche analogy, and it's gone around a bunch, but it's so true. If you can say the name of the top 10 tennis players, you should be able to say my name Dias-Jayasinha, you know, it's not that difficult to listen once or have an awareness of other cultures and at least try and ask how you say it. I think that was the worst bit like people, people wouldn't ask you how to correct themselves. They just sort of say it and then they keep saying it wrong without correcting themselves. And obviously, that's not the case for everybody, but you know, happens enough. Yeah, and, you know, you go through the, the whole rigmarole. Well, first of all, you know, like, I don't mind telling people how to pronounce it, you know, Dias-Jayasinha, rhymes with Bias Choir Singer. Pretty easy - swap the B for the D, choir turns into Jaya and it's all the same bias choir singer Dias-Jayasinha, and it's pretty simple from then on, you know, and it's fun because you know, I'm a singer, as well and bias choir singer, you know, hilarious there's always beef between altos and sopranos but you know, there's that but then you know, if, if people don't already know then there's the, or know the names origins or know me a little bit, there's always the classic, 'Ah, where's that from?' Because and they're obviously, they're not obviously well, they are, it's obvious to me it happens quite often. The, the sort of moment of pause before asking where my name is from when they see my skin colour because I'm a light skinned, lots of freckles, slightly red hair person. But I've got this Asian last name like I'm, I'm half Sri Lankan, half Anglo-Saxon Australian. And there's always that just moment of friction that people come across and it's so annoying. Like, I yeah, it's just 'now where are you' from and I don't mind but in the past, it's been confusing, because my Dad was born in England, and there's a complicated, complex history of, of movement, movement and immigration. My grandparents are Sri Lankan, his parents and they were born into and grew up in British ruled Colombo, colonial Sri Lanka was colonised but lots of different nations. And so that's an interesting history of them feeling more British than Sri Lankan in some cases, but you know, Sri Lankan, more Sri Lankan in some cases as well, but then there was a big push for travel around the time that they left Sri Lanka, when they moved to Britain, they moved to England, they move to London, and my Dad was born there. And then from then on, when he was eight, they immigrated to Australia and made a life and made home in Brisbane. But I've spoken to Dad and you know, a lot of, a lot of those early years in Australia, he felt more British than anything and not Sri Lankan, because he'd grown up in a British schooling system for a couple of years. And you know, that, obviously, that, that was what he knew, but he was this little brown boy. And hearing that I kind of, yeah, it's just an interesting thing coming back then to, then like explaining where my name comes from, it's sort of like, 'ah, you know, Sri Lankan', and they're like, 'oh, what?' And you're like, 'Oh, well, you know, my dad is Sri Lankan , his parents are Sri Lankan, but he was born in England, and then they came over', it's this whole sort of like, explanation when it really shouldn't, you know, I, you know, you don't, no one owes anyone explanations about where you come from, especially if it's to sort of question someone's identity, or, you know, something about their appearance doesn't quite match up with, you know, their expectations of where you're from, or what your cultural history or heritage is. And, yeah, I think just recently, it's been, it's been interesting, like talking about that, and understanding just the sort of context of everything a bit more and kind of coming to terms with my, with, with being Asian Australia, with being Sri Lankan Australian, I take a great deal of pride in it. And I'm very proud of my culture and heritage. And obviously, that experience of culture and our family's culture is, you know, separate from maybe a more traditional Sri Lankan one who knows what traditional is any more, but you know, there are those kinds of clear markers, we have big feasts, and we have certain foods, and you know, my, my staple carbohydrate is rice. And, you know, I have you know, lots of lovely different skin, skin coloured family members, and something, and recently, it's just sort of started to pain me that people don't see, don't immediately see my Asian-ness or don't, aren't necessarily aware that that's an important part of me, because either it comes down to either me sort of explaining it, and then you know, that's a long conversation to then get to know me and kind of understand that, or they don't see it at all, and that kind of part of me is erased - it's like an external, it's sort of like an external cultural erasure. And that's, you know, it's quite distressing. And I've had to confront it and experience it probably a bit later in life as I've become more aware of things, but also because I'm white passing on, you know, culturally and linguistically diverse, but don't present is that. Yeah, it's, it's, it's upsetting that, yeah, that's sort of erased because the sort of standard perception in mainstream so-called Australia is this sort of white person and, yeah, that kind of external dishonouring of or seeing and acknowledgement of that other part of me or, you know, it's not even an other part - it's a full, it's a full part of me, I am a full entity. Yeah, it's quite distressing. Culture, cultures definitely factored into my identity. You know, culture is hard to define, because it's, you know, it is so many things, it's everything and nothing at once. But in terms of sort of Sri Lankan culture. I don't know I think it affects me more now, because, simply because I have the language and the interest in exploring it a bit more, I think it becomes as relevant, I think culture is as relevant to you as you need it to be or want it to be. And, you know, I, yeah, I just I think it's a really, it's a beautiful, unique part of who I am, my families. And yeah, I, it's, it's a really joy, it brings me a lot of joy to express that, especially now that I'm kind of aware of Sri Lankan culture and heritage. And also, you know, the fact that because I am white passing, probably notice that, you know, haven't had you know, we haven't grown up in a traditionally Sri Lankan household, there's just been elements of that. But I think that makes it even more, I have even more of a keenness to preserve that and be able to understand that and those aspects of my upbringing, and yeah, that's sort of, I don't know. It's just so hard. It's just so it's so complex and hard. And, you know, yeah, it's just sort of, it's everywhere, and it's nowhere and it's hard to put a finger on and sort of talk about, especially from my own perspective like, because I'm still sort of figuring it out myself, but I don't I guess I don't feel, I don't necessarily feel culturally Sri Lankan in terms of it maybe like, factoring into my identity, but I see that again, I don't know. Because I've been brought up in a, in a western society, in an Australian society and yeah, I don't know, I think at certain times, I feel culturally Sri Lankan, you know, speaking like food rituals, or, you know, if I'm around on my back deck with, you know, all the family or the cousins and we're, you know, all having kind of six conversations at once. I think I feel quite culturally Sri Lankan than when I'm surrounded by my family. But yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't say probably because, you know, I don't necessarily know the traditions, we haven't been brought up with some of those more, you know, traditional ways of living in Sri Lanka, because my grandparents, well that wasn't the case necessarily for them, because they did grow up in that British ruled Colombo. And yeah, it's just, yeah, it's interesting. I think I've ever, I've thought about a bit I've never like spoken out loud the, that, yeah, whether or not I feel culturally Sri Lankan, I think it's definitely around my family, because there's that kind of cultural experience of families where, like, where everyone's in each other's pockets and has lots of cousins and we're all as important to each other as anyone else. And there's, you know, certain expectations within the family, you know, not necessarily passed on from my Dad's generation, but, you know, the saying we all turn into out parents eventually, you know, is not true to a certain extent, but there are, you know, those incidents, again, I have said in the past, there are these sort of things we've, you know, picked up subconsciously, throughout childhood that we've seen modelled, and of course, things carry, carry through. You know, can be things like, even just sort of the, you know, Sri Lanka places a lot on, they value education a lot and that's, that's also true of my Mum's family. But you can, you know, there's a thread to track there, through my family and particularly down you know, yeah, just, just down to now, Granna and Grandpa, Dad's parents, you know, worked really hard to put dad and Aunty Ru through a really good high school and then to get their bachelor degrees and beyond that, and yeah, that sort of value of education has been passed on down to me and my sisters and I'm sure soon my younger cousin. And yeah, we've I think we've all really like taken the ball and run with it and, you know, have similar values in that regard - pursuing higher education pursuing different sort of, not, maybe not education in a classical sense, but you know, pursuing those things, where education, ways in which to educate ourselves we seek, we seek them out so we can become more and more a citizen of the world, something, something like that because I think the messaging has been you know, education, travel, you know that leads you to becoming this more empathetic and knowledgeable person which will in turn bring success in all aspects of your life, yeah, which again you know brings that sort of sense of guilt and sometimes and you know pressure and expectation but you know it's all coming from that place of love and is a great value, you know education is a great value to have yeah in in one's life. ...I've forgotten how, how can I? You know, there's all these there's all these traditions and rituals and you know, you know I don't speak Singhalese, my Dad doesn't speak Singhalese, neither does his sister, Granna and Grandpa's first languages were English, although they can speak Singhalese but like, you know, yeah that, that language is lost to us in some ways. And you know, there are, there are still things that Granna and Grandpa refer to by certain names, especially food things as well. But also, you know, other, other things, but I've you know, I forgotten those names because it's so not ingrained in me and I forgotten kind of how, yeah, how can I remember and then not remember these things that were so important to someone like Granna? And so, you know, someone's so important to me. But, you know, there's, there's real sort of cultural pillars that she has and you know, it's a lot to expect that they would be the same for me, but you know, there's yeah, there's there just feels like there's a disconnect there that I'm, that I would like to bridge in some ways and, you know, there is a need to hold this heritage, to display this heritage and you know, it's important as we, yeah, yeah. I just think it's important and I don't need to say anything more about that. But yeah, sometimes there is a guilt that I feel that I, I don't know how to hold this heritage because I haven't grown up in it. Or, yeah, that I'm that I'm not enough to live up to something or maybe it's a first child thing, maybe it's Sri Lankan guilt, but I worry that I won't know what to do or how to do things that are culturally important or significant to my family or Sri Lankan culture that my grandparents hold. And yes definitely in relation to a saree like I often, you know it's such a complex but ingrained muscle memory thing for Granna and you know I can whip on a pair of jeans that there's no like intricacy of, of pleating, in draping and you know even sewing, you know, she has made some of her sarees you know buy a length the fabric and you make these gorgeous garments but like I, you know, I don't know and I worry, don't know how to do that and I worry that I won't know how to do that if I don't, you know take an active stance in preserving something or learning knowledge from her.