The blue area - voice 2

Not really sure how I've grown to understand my heritage, because isn't that the thing? You know, you're just in it, you're just in your culture, you’re just in- I guess you're in your family's culture and so I guess like there are certain aspects of that that have no carry, carry through or, you know, concepts that have become more relevant or appropriate to know as I get older, you know, what is, ahh it's so confusing, like I would say that sort of the heritage that I've inherited, I guess, from both sides of the family is a, is a striving for education. It's always been my Mum's side, always been very important that you're educated and they were able to be educated, lots of tertiary degrees there but on Dad's side, and Sri Lanka I think has like one of the highest, has one of the highest rates of like secondary graduations in the world, I guess I think as a, as a culture, as the country, they really prioritise and value education. Obviously, that has- that hasn't necessarily continued into tertiary at least time when Granna was going through for women but like Granna and Grandpa worked so, so hard to to put Dad and Aunty Ru through really excellent high schools and then into tertiary degrees. And yeah, I think education has just always been something that's very important to our family on all sides. And yeah, definitely, I definitely feel that- I know that responsibility and the power that education and knowledge can have, that's definitely been passed down. And not just knowledge in an academic sense, but in other areas, but I think now that I'm a, no, I think I'm aware of it now that I'm doing a PhD and I'll be the first person I think, in the fam, to do one. And I can see, you know, kind of veiled but like, I can see how much it means to my grandparents. And that's, it's a beautiful thing. It's a lot of, it's, it's not even pressure, but it's you know, I, I understand that. So, I guess lots of, that's one way to interpret heritage. In terms of cultural heritage, there's lots of things that we do, but I would say that I think most of our family's heritage is informed by familial heritage and not necessarily, I feel like because there's that sort of story of immigration, some of the maybe more traditional cultural things that could be categorised as, as heritage that can be passed down have been adjusted or adapted to new contexts and new societies in which the family found themselves and so there's things like on New Year's we always go over to Granna's place. For lunch we always have kiribath, which is milk rice, red rice and coconut milk with jaggery, and you know, we have a big Sri Lankan cook up, and there's certain foods that we'll love, and you know, the staple, I reckon the staple food is like dahl and rice. I, like if I'm feeling sick, I want dahl and rice you know. And so, there's, there's those sort of things we all have family recipes and so forth and yeah, like that stuff gets passed down. And, you know, I guess, you know, I got my ears pierced when I was a baby. I don't think even six months because all Sri Lankan young girls get their ears pierced and things like that. And like, I got- my gemstone for July as a Ruby, my sister Elena's is an emerald, Arwen's a Sapphire, you know, there are these things and for certain, you know, that being a part of my life for so long, you know, I really do feel like a certain connection to the gemstone Ruby. And I don't know whether that would have developed if it if it had come from a different place or you know, hadn't been so present. Things like that. I don't know it's really hard, and there's you know, there's mannerisms and sayings, you know, from everyone, this happens for everyone, but now I feel like we're just like, lauded a bit more in the Sri Lankan side of the family. You know, we have big family get-togethers and it's, you know, with the cousins, all the generations are there. That's definitely like, feel like it's definitely a Sri Lankan thing where, although it does happen on both sides of the family, but yeah, I think just the in each other's pockets, is a very sort of Asian family thing in my experience. And I don't know, I feel like those sort of things like big get togethers, food, they're real ways where I can, I can, I can keep passing on that heritage and I can I can hold that heritage and, you know, it is a clear and strong part of my identity like that, you know, big family, all, you know, so many of my friends have met a lot of my cousins because it's, you know, 'come over for dinner dadadada' and you, yeah, we're just a very, very tight knit family, which I think is yeah, in no small part due to being Asian. But you know that, that's a that's all quite personal stuff and for people who know me, personally and intimately, and you know, they, they all know that that's part of my identity and there's no qualms because they kind of know, they know me. And I think it become, yeah, it becomes a bit more complex outside of that context because then it sort of becomes socio-political. And that's, again, not necessarily a space that I've entered into or chosen to be a part of, or I don't know. You know, it's something, something to think about what, especially in this country, it's interesting to think what, think, think about what Australian, Asian Australian means. And, obviously, it's so diverse, and no one can really speak for anyone else, but to me, being Asian Australian means understanding your culture, understanding your heritage, and that, you know, no one with no expectation to do it at any rate, or pace or intensity. But for me, I think to be able to sort of claim that and be proud of that. It, it means that you understand your culture, you understand your heritage, and you, you proudly display those things, and you're aware of the context in which it sits, which, unfortunately, in this country is rather a racist one, at least demonstrated at the top, and in levels of care around the country through policy, through funding. And, yeah, like, yeah, some of the ways that I've been trying to, to do that is to, you know, talk just really just, like, talk to my grandparents and learn about their lives, because you don't, I feel like you don't necessarily get that, you know, that that information isn't given. I guess, in a casual context as a child because, you know, it's not something that necessarily is relevant to your life at that point. But, you know, as, as I've become an adult, it's so interesting, and getting to know them, not just as grandparents and carers of me growing up, but as, yeah, they’re, they’re own people with their own lives way before me. Way before my parents, and, you know, that's, it's so interesting. And, you know, I know being Sri Lankan Australian connects me to a community within this country. And, again, one that I'm not necessarily a part of, in an active way, but I'm aware of and, you know, hope, I hope that there are ways to sort of connect with it in the future and learn more about culture and traditions. Again, I sit in this kind of strange, we all, as with any sort of, like, you know, migration story, like everyone sits in this grey area between two cultures. And yeah, like, you know, it's sometimes, it's sometimes feels like yeah, you're in this sort of third, third box. You're not Australian, you're not Sri Lankan. You're this other entity, Sri Lanka Australian and you know, it's a really interesting space to be in and so, it's fun and I don't know I'm still I'm still learning about it and figuring out ways in which my experience growing up relates to a broader story because I'm second generation, am I? Yeah, again, it's so confusing I think second generation or third maybe? Third going to have to go have to find that out. Yeah, it's yeah, it's just it's a different context. It's a different life. Yeah, you know, that there, yeah, there are there are certain sort of family traditions that, for sure are rooted in Sri Lankan culture and, and love them and I love introducing people, I love introducing my friends to those things because they're really quite special and you know yeah, probably not making any sense because yeah I've, I've only really just sort of come to want to act, you know actively pursue these things and be able to articulate it and I'm in the middle of that process so can't quite probably string, string of quality sentence together about it. But you know, yeah, it is interesting coming at it as someone who's white passing because there is that kind of feeling of a I, I think when you get deep into it there's a there's a feeling of like I'm lacking something that instantly, immediately defines me to this thing or connects me to this thing or I can be seen as part of this thing and yeah, I'm still figuring that out. My last name has been mispronounced more times than I can count on multiple hands. It's not until you sort of give them the rhyme which is fine, you know, or they ask or whatnot. But even sometimes after people ask how to pronounce your name, it's so not in their vocabulary or the ways that other, other names have pronounced is so not, you know, maybe it's not necessarily on our list of priorities to be able to be able to speak all these other names in the way that the country that the names originate from are spoken. Yeah, my name has been butchered. And even after people know it for years, they still get it wrong. It is annoying when people ask. Well, no, what's annoying is that they, you know, people announcing it will just sort of say it without asking me, knowing that, you know, knowing that they full well had the chance to ask to say it correctly, and they could write it down phonetically, like, you know, pretty well practiced at that. But I guess people just sort of don't think to do that immediately, because maybe what they see is someone who they assume has a, you know, in, in quotations, "a regular name", to the context that we are here in so-called Australia. And, yeah, I found that, that, that butting up against, you know, what my name is, how I present and yeah, sort of facing that external pressure quite, quite jarring these past couple years, especially as I am kind of a more interested and proud of my heritage and aware that, you know, that, that, that knowledge is held by people who are getting older like my Granna and my Grandpa. And that when they, you know, they can only get older, and some of that knowledge will be lost, which, you know, happens in many cases, but yeah, it just seemed, I think it's just ah yeah, starting to sort of hit a point where it's affecting me quite a lot. Emotionally, I'm not sure how to process, process that fully. It changes. Yeah, just not sure. Cause, yeah, like, I'm Sri Lankan Australian. And I probably wouldn't have termed myself, well even really knew, you know, the kind of way to calling myself an Asian Australian and understanding what that means until a couple of years ago, even more recently than that. And, you know, culture's always been really important to our family, we've always had maybe, like different staple foods or certain celebration foods, you know, at New Year's and on birthdays and stuff, and, you know, the sort of little idiosyncrasies that occur from this Sri Lankan culture, within all our family. You know, we celebrate the, we laugh about the way you know, we all do it. And that's not to say it's not like a no, maybe it's a bit closer to sort of like, maybe it's just sort of family heritage that I'm worried about losing, not necessarily cultural heritage, but they're sort of inextricable if they're-, you can't have one without the other. It's an interesting thing. And so, I've been trying to sort of unravel and get my head around my Granna and Grandpa born in Sri Lanka, in Colombo, and at the time they were born, and when they were growing up, it was under British rule. And so, there's a lot of sensibilities like-, English is their first language. There's some you know, there's a, there's a context within, within which they were born. And they moved back to Britain, when the country reverted to Singhalese of the national language they you know, broke, broke three of those, I guess broke free of the like, the like the legal, this is sort of like obviously, written in policy written in, in law bonds from the sort of British colonial rule that you know, that's such an interesting space to find yourself in and you know, I can't really, I spoke to my grandparents about it, but it's hard to imagine what that would feel like you know, having been born in your own country, but then also feeling ostracised from it when they revert back to you know more, you know, the sort of, yeah, I don't know, it's just really strange. And then, so obviously, there are certain Sri Lankan traditional things that they have brought with us and like my Granna used to wear sarees all the time, and she's an incredible cook. And then my Dad and my Aunty were born there and then they moved to Australia, which is again another colonial country and, yeah, so this idea of culture factoring into an identity of this sort of you know, their grandchild is really interesting, and I do not, I know I don't have all the answers. And I'm sure things will keep unravelling and but yeah, trying to like sort of know, not that it needs to be defined maybe but just to sort of know what's family, what's culture, what's you know, whether, whether there are kind of things that, lines that divide those categories? Because I feel like maybe not maybe knowing that would like I don't know, allow, allow me to sort of see, you know, in what ways I feel connected to something or have been disconnected from something, explain some family behaviour or patterns and I'm not sure. I think sarees are so beautiful. And you know, we grew up seeing Granna in them on special occasions and obviously, we've seen we've seen all these you know, family photos from way back of her, or the aunties, great grandparents in them, and you know, hearing stories of Granna's mother, my great grandmother, you know, being this master seamstress. Now I've seen some of her sarees, all these beautiful hand sewn embellishments. And, and yeah, it's like they're, they're really stunning. And the material itself is gorgeous. And, you know, they're very diverse, as you can use lots of different material, you can have lots of different patterns, lots of different colours, and then you accessorise. It's a really elegant form of dress. And I had a saree when I was a kid that Granna had made for me, I think out of think out of material, maybe from a saree that her Mum had had. Maybe it was one of hers originally, it was just gorgeous, deep purple colour. Like a yeah, really rich purple. Probably more on the red-dy side, I was pretty pleased with it just because it matched my hair. And you know, you put it on, and you feel so good in it. It's, it's just gorgeous. But I only wore it when I was a little kid. You know, I think maybe I think maybe a couple times, but in particular, there was like one Sri Lankan society function in Brisbane and then obviously, like you know, grew out of it probably sort of got more into school then so you know, activities were less in some cases and yeah, I don't know you just sort of in clothes that fit the environment you're in which is not really sarees and Granna has said that as well, she wishes she could wear more sarees but since she moved to Australia, but it's just not practical because sometimes they're just a bit too hot. The Brisbane heat and, you know, the kinds of things that have to do in life here, which is you know, I reckon partially sort of this external, like, visible factors being like, 'oh, this doesn't fit in this seems a bit too fancy like this, this seems a bit other this seems, a bit different'. And then maybe partially because, yeah, whilst beautiful can be impractical. Yeah, it's just sort of like, just didn't see it worn too much. A lot of the cousins, older cousins' weddings happened when I was young anyway, so we saw sarees with the great aunts there, but then, yeah, getting older, it just hasn't been around as much which is a real shame because they are really, really beautiful. And then just yeah, just recently, I was like, I would really, like, really like to be able to wear it one day, because I'm probably getting to the age where some my older mates, or people I know and colleagues and stuff, you know, them, they might be getting married, or at least having these sort of, you know, special occasions where, you know, you could wear a really beautiful formal saree. And I want to be able to feel comfortable wearing that, because it's, it is just this gorgeous, beautiful symbol of my heritage and of my Granna. And it terrifies me that, you know, if I don't know how to wear this thing that's so symbolic of who she is, who she has been, of all that knowledge she holds, then, you know, where, well, you know, will those sarees just sit in a cupboard, you know, I would love to be able to use them and wear them out and be, and show off this gorgeous material and be proud of my heritage and be proud of our culture. And, and in some respects, like, let, let what I'm wearing speak for myself, you know, with people just sort of seeing me I'm white passing and have freckles and kind of red hair. And so, people are like, Oh yeah, cool, Anglo Saxon. And that is true. I am, I am. And I'm proud of that. on my Mum's side. And then, but there's this whole other part of me that I would love people to be able to see but also not to have to question me about and ask that classic 'Oh, but where are you from? Where's that name from? And then you have to do the whole spiel and whatnot. I would love for just them to be like, 'Oh, wow. Look at that person wearing this beautiful thing. Great.' And, you know, it just I think it, I think I'm stuck in a place at the moment where those, that sort of like external, almost like cultural erasure of that side of me is, is affect, is affecting me a lot and I would like for it not to, gosh, it'd be nice. But I think the thing that needs to happen in order for that to dissipate is to yeah, just like know, understand more, know more, practice, practice dressing in saree. And yeah, practice dressing in sari, making sure I feel comfortable and confident wearing it. Because you know, if I hold that power, if I feel empowered, then you know, there's nothing anyone can say. And that's great. And then it just becomes another sort of little drop in the, drop in the, the fountain of diversity or whatever and that's really cool. I think part of embodying lineage and embodying heritage is being well, well versed in ways, I guess ways it right and understanding of how previous generations have grown up and the conditions in which they've become their own selves. And also keeping some of those physical traditions like the cooking and dressing in saree, you know, it's so not a part of who, you know, it's it has not been a part of our lives. And I haven't really seen Granna in too many sarees either, like, at weddings of all the cousins, yes, definitely but day to day, I don't think I, I don't have really a strong memory of childhood of her wearing them, you know, every day, because it's just not the climate here in Australia, especially in Brisbane to be wearing them every day. And, you know, they're such a beautiful, such a beautiful garment, and they're, you know, a real, a real craft and art and I would love to be able to have the confidence to wear, I think part of we used to wear, I had one beautiful purple saree that Granna had made for me when I was a kid. And yeah, like, I loved it. But you know, at the time, you're like, 'Oh, this is kind of strange', but then you're kids, your parents are dressing you anyway. And, you know, it was beautiful, but then, you know, nothing, zip, zilch, until just recently, where, you know, I became interested in this, and I don't know, there's a real, I felt, I think, I felt a real responsibility as an eldest daughter, as a first grandchild to be the holder of that heritage. You know? What, uh, you know, I yeah, I don't know, I feel like, I see that as my role in some respects, to be able to hold this knowledge for future generations and to, you know, be able to, well I'd like to feel, be able to, yeah, it's half holding the knowledge and also then making, making my grandparents proud of like, you know, look, she's our grandchild, you know, wearing this beautiful traditional dress from Sri Lanka. And, you know, wow, you know, they, they can see their, their knowledge and stories preserved in that. And, you know, I understand that that's a lot of, that's a lot of pressure on top of my shoulders that I've kind of self-imposed, but at the same time, you know, it's this, it's this beautiful art form that hasn't had a place in my life, but I've seen it present and I've seen it as this sort of, you know, sort of iconography almost, it's this symbol of this, it's symbolic of their, at least, especially Granna's, it's symbolic of her history and identity. And you know, she's been such an important part of my life. That yeah, she's been such, she's just, such a, such a force in all our lives and this magnificent woman. That yeah, I really, I really want to be able to honour her in that way and learn something myself, be able to feel comfortable wearing everything, like wearing the saree because it's, it's so not been a part of, it's so not been a part of our lifestyles. And you know that, I think that's, I don't know. It's just a real, it's a real shame. I would like to wear it to wedding and not feel uncomfortable and you know it ties back in with sort of reclaiming my Sri Lankan Australian identity and having people you know, I guess when you know, when you'd see a white person, white passing person wearing a saree, maybe, you know, maybe the immediate thought would be the question, you know, how that presents, but I think if I can feel confident wearing the dress, and it would be like it, you know, it's like any clothes, you know, you've got to, you've got to feel confident, you've got to, you know, gotta have the confidence to wear something to really sort of make it sing. And I think I would like to get to that place in saree so you know, I can wear this beautiful piece of clothing gifted to me by my Granna, because you know, that's, that's where I'd be getting the sarees. Wear them with confidence, feel comfortable in my own skin, feel comfortable in this traditional dress. And then maybe, you know, people, it's one way I guess, of me reclaiming my identity, but also understanding my identity. But then also of people seeing me and seeing this other part, seeing this sort of deeper heritage and deeper, deeper layers to myself that, you know, they wouldn't that, you know, in the past and historically haven't recognised initially just based on appearance. And, you know, it's not an everyday thing, like again, proud of both sides of my family, and, you know, I'm pretty sure of who I am. Now, but I think it's a lot of these sort of outward, outward experiences now, outward presentations that bother me, because it does lead to that sort of external cultural erasure of who I am wholly, wholly, fully. And so yeah, it's scary. It's, you know, I've worn, I've tried on sarees in the past, and it's been, you know, you look at yourself in like, wow, my gosh, it really does feel like a sort of, you know, huge formal attire. But, you know, you have to take a step back and, and see, it's just, it's, you know, it can be anything, depending on the material, depending on the occasion. But it is quite confronting when you learn something new, and you see yourself in this thing, and, you know, it's so the antithesis of, you know, things you've worn in the past. I don't know yet. It's just really, I still don't quite have my head around it, probably because, you know, I've had no occasion to wear them yet. You know, I'm not necessarily at an age where friends are getting married or can you know, consistently or I didn't, yeah, it just has no, has had no place in my wardrobe. Purely because of the sort of circumstances of living in this country. And yeah, I would like, I would like to change that. Not for always, but just, you know, to sort of know, within myself that, you know, I'm capable of wearing this, it's beautiful to wear this. And I can feel, I can feel confident that, maybe it's confidence in, you know, having the right to wear it, you know, part of, part of this sort of journey to understanding my identity is sort of, you know, being able to sort of claim that, you know, I am a proud Sri Lankan Australian, I'm a proud Asian Australian and I, and I am a part of this community and a part of this larger, you know larger story and I have a right to wear, wear these clothes despite how I look and no, not even in spite of how I look, I you know, it's really it's regardless of how I look, I don't know it's, I guess the language is so hard to find. I feel like I'm waffling. But yeah, I feel like that's sort of, yeah, I don't know.