The blue area - voice 3

So, Sri Lankan culture has factored into my identity, for sure. There is, there's certain things that I guess are, see it's so hard to sort of separate it from, like a traditional Sri Lankan culture, and maybe just familial culture because there are, you know, my grandparents grew up in Sri Lanka but at a time where it was it was ruled by the British, it was a British colony. And they grew up in Colombo in the English speaking, in an English-speaking part of Sri Lanka, English as their first language, Singhalese is their second. And they were brought up in a very traditional British way more than anything, obviously, there were elements, there's that kind of cross, cross cultural mix, but schooling was British and there was a big feeling, too, that you know, that one would move to the motherland, to you know, pursue further education or to live or to work once they finish secondary school, and that was even more so when the country reverted to, when they became a republic, and they reverted to Singhalese the national language rather than English, and business was then conducted in Singhalese. And yeah, like I've spoken to Grandpa about this, but you know, you feel, he felt ostracised in his own country, which is such an odd thing, it was such an odd thing to hear but it makes total sense, of course, because, you know, you've brought, you've been brought up in a country where another country's imposed this society, culture, regime, and then suddenly, you know, you kind of feel like a bit of an alien, in between, because you are Sri Lankan, you were born in the country, but you know, and so, I feel like a lot of our family traditions and the culture that I've inherited is from that kind of in between space of this British Sri Lankan hybrid. So, yeah, it's really hard to separate sort of what the distinction between the two are, there's traditional things like recipes, and food and celebration food. And there's, there's a big feeling within the whole family of this sort of respect for elders and a real connection between, there's a real sort of intergenerational connection between everyone and you know, I think those, those things are rooted and you know, a lot of the food, some of the food as well is, you know, from that kind of, like some of the, you know, some of the desserts are influenced by the Dutch coming in and the Portuguese coming in, you know, Sri Lanka was colonised by three different countries Portuguese, Dutch and the British. So, there's you know, there's, there's so much cross pollination that it's, it is hard to sort of separate out and not that it should, but you know, it's, it's worth noting and probably makes my experience even, you know, that there's, there's more links between lots of different things because everything is related to another thing is related to another thing. But yeah, that kind of cultural experience of family I think is common in, in Asian families have all been quite connected, all the generations be in each other's pockets, lots of respect for elders. And so, I guess that's how I feel, that's how I probably I first felt culturally Sri Lankan, but you know, we don't really follow any of the religions that are in the country. There's no sort of probably holiday celebrations, I don't really even know what the holiday celebrations are. And that's fine also, because, you know, that's, that's probably, cause I don't know whether my grandparents do that either because again they come from the sort of British space. And Dad was born in Britain, moved here when he was eight. And so, a lot of the traditions are from a sort of modern, so-called Australian sort of context. You know, yeah, so it's interesting, and, you know, it's definitely sort of, I think what's changed and evolved in my lifetime so far has been my awareness and understanding of things. And in terms of like, family behaviours, and patterns, maybe where some of those things are coming from. And I think that awareness will only increase in especially as I learn more about Sri Lanka and my grandparents lives and how each person in my family sort of consider you know, situates themselves within this sort of grey space. Yeah, I think it can only, it will only evolve, that's really what I want to say. And that can only be a good thing. Strictly, strictly speaking about me, it can really be a good thing to sort of, for that to keep evolving, because I feel like that'll allow me to, you know, figure out, be able to situate myself and obviously, that that's, that's a changing point for everyone, but I think it will be easier and feel less like this sort of mammoth task in front of me and you know, one, one way that I've been trying to do that is to you know, how have conversations connect with different aspects that might relate to my life like music and art making practices, being able to put some of these conversations and stories into the work that I make as an artist. Yeah, and so and so by, by that token, putting my culture from my family, from my experiences into my art like I'm, it's sort of creating this sort of hopefully cyclical nature of 'I learned about culture, reflecting my experiences, put it into my art, thus implementing it in culture that I create' for myself and my community and I don't know, it's a little bit much that it's, it's a little bit conceptual at the moment and still kind of in the stars, but I know I can see, I can see a grounding of it slowly into very kind of real tangible thing where I can say yes, this is who I am. This is what I know, you know, this is what I inherited. This is what I hold, yeah. My family means everything to me. Like it's just they mean the world, they're the best people, and I love them so ridiculously much. I mean there's so many people but immediately there's my Dad, my Mum, my two younger sisters, and then cousins on both side and then grandparents and family friends that are essentially family, you know, everyone would do anything for one another. I would do anything for any of them. And so being able to see all of them fully, wholly is really important to me. And then, particularly recently, acknowledging my Granna, my Dad's mum, she's an incredible woman, and so capable and talented and smart and powerful. She is amazing. And she holds all this knowledge about food, about sewing, about Sri Lanka, and it's, it's terri-, it's terrifying that some of that knowledge will be lost in the future. And yeah, I find it terrifying and it's deeply upsetting because I don't know, I think I feel this is, I'm the oldest child in my family and the daughter of two eldest children, and with that, you know, all the things that accompany that if like, you know, 'I got to do everything', which I know is not true and I know my sisters can bear more than I give them credit for, no, they're incredible, but I feel like I'm just like, totally predisposed to that. But those feelings of 'I need to be the keeper of all this knowledge', and I feel a bit of guilt that I don't, that I haven't been more interested in, or, you know, paid more attention or anything in, in the past. When, like, logically, I know that, that's okay. But emotionally it's just like, oh, it hits different. And, yeah, Granna's just this amazing woman, and I asked for one of her sarees, and, you know, there's just all these things that she does that I would like to be able to know how to do. So, you know, all this, all that knowledge and tradition can be preserved in a way, and you know, that I know it's not lost, and part of that is cooking. For Christmas two years ago, she just gave me, it just, it crushed me, it broke me, gave me a cookbook of her recipes and she gave a set of accompanying spices on spices that I'd need, and I just broke down into tears because it was so beautiful and it was also dedicated to my other grandma, Rhonnie, Mum's mum because she loved Granna's cooking, it really commit, it really bonded them early on. And she had just always encouraged Granna to record the skills in a cookbook, because she said, because people should know how amazing she is. And she gave this to me, and it just left me shattered. It's so, it's a, the greatest, greatest gift, just to be handed all, you know, all this food that I've grown up eating, have the tools and also the trust to continue, continue doing these things, you know, she wants it to continue. But you know, I don't know if she knows how much I want it to continue. And so, another, another sort of step in that direction of me kind of reclaiming my identity and figuring out who I am is also to dress in saree as much, you know, I think first and foremost to make her proud and have a place for all those beautiful materials that she has mostly in a cupboard and that she worn in the past and that she's sewn in the past, that her mother had sown. And second, for myself as well. You know, talking about feeling the sort of externally imposed cultural erasure you know, I would love to be able to wear a saree and not feel out of place. And it's you know, and it totally shouldn't be like that, but it's so not been addressed in my, in my cultural experience. Growing up, we had, I had this beautiful, beautiful, deep purple saree when I was a kid but she made for us, Elena had one, Arwen had this little blouse and skirt combo, these beautiful, beautiful sarees and this lovely material and the- it's so lovely, I just remember we wore it to a Sri Lankan society dinner, I think it was yeah, it was a pretty big thing. I loved it. But then you know, I think we started, must have like started school and just didn't have many occasions to go to that we would wear one. Yeah, we just like, it just like wasn't in what we wear, and to be honest, you know, Granna wears sarees on special, special occasions. I remember her wearing them at some of the cousins’ weddings, Dad's first cousins’ weddings and special occasions. But and she’s said this as well, it's so hot here, like, it's just like not the climate really to be wearing them. And not necessarily practical here, but yeah, not part of my life. But I would love to be able to wear it and wear a saree on social occasions and feel confident in that and not feel like I'm standing out again also to normalise the fact that I am Sri Lankan Australian and I should be able to wear this without feeling judgement of people or, you know, there's a, there's a blur between internal and external judgement based on confidence, comfort, understanding. But, you know, it's another way to, on another hand it's another way to sort of bolster me and help me to feel proud of his heritage and, and you know, yeah, just confident and not guilty for letting any sort of traditions or traditional marks die off within the family because it feels, you know, every time I contemplate it, it feels awful that so much of this incredible cultural richness that’s a part of Granna and Grandpa’s lives will be lost. And that's the same for all sides of the family, you know, it's, I think, also a part of having a really close-knit family. It is deeply distressing to think of anyone not being around or it's just, it's deeply affecting, and I think that so much of my discoveries and interests over the last years of the world have aligned with this cultural aspect, you know, it's something I can, by wearing saree, and by keeping all this food and- I can, I can preserve that and that that makes me feel, it makes me feel really, really good, but also I'm aware that it's, it's an intense thing to take on and I don't do it, I don't do it lightly, but it's yeah, I think I put some pressure on myself to do it. But I think that's just because I haven't done it before. I'm gonna, I'm just gonna have to, I'm just gonna have to keep wearing sarees but I would like to be able to wear that, you know a beautifully coloured saree, ahh it’s this beautiful blue and silver saree that she gifted me, it's just it's beautiful and it should be worn, it should be seen, should be seen in this country. You know, it isn't, unless I wear it, I guess, you know, that's a grand sweeping statement, you know, I just want to, I just really want to be able to feel comfortable in something that’s so important to her. And yeah, I just really hope that she's proud of me and can feel the love that I'm offering, can feel calm and the fact that, and content with the fact that I, we all just love her so much and deeply respect her and want to be able to sort of continue and be able to pass on this incredible knowledge that she's given to us. And that, you know, I hope every member of the family knows that I feel that way, yeah, all the important people in my life know that I feel that way, I just love them all so much. So, I'm really proud of my heritage from both sides of the family, you know in in a strict sort of familial sense, I love my family, we have a very close family on both sides. But in terms of the sort of previously erased, externally erased part, this sort of Sri Lankan heritage, I don't even know why I'm saying externally erased, it's not erased in my life, but I guess just certain, you know, socio environmental factor that into a very white primary school, very white high school, you know, and I live quite a privileged, you know, I come from a place of privilege and acknowledge that I've been very lucky. But that's not to say that's not without really hard work from both my parents and all my grandparents. I've grown to understand my heritage. I guess at different paces or different rates throughout my life, we've had, you know, sort of constant presence of food and cooking in the house, my Granna is, like an extraordinary cook, and just makes the greatest food ever, you'll never eat a curry better than hers, you know, even when she's experimenting, it's, you know, it comes from a place of real passion and experience of Sri Lankan cooking, and it's just so good, like, I think, you know, instead of, I don't know what kind of basic meal is, but like, our basic meal growing up was dahl and rice, like, we would just absolutely dive at the chance to eat that. And, you know, my favourite food is hoppers, and all the accompaniments that come along, you know, for special occasions, and New Year's, we have kiribath, which is a red rice, milk rice, and I make it, I make it at home as a snack and you eat it with jaggery your kithul honey. And like, you know, there are real sort of staples and comfort foods that are not that a sort of, you know, integral to Sri Lankan culture and not any other Western sort of cultures. And, yeah, so that that's been a constant presence and something that I know and love and hope to inherit, and want to want to try, you know, preserve, preserve some recipes, and knowledge from my Granna. And, you know, for, for Christmas, the other year, she gave me this cookbook of her recipes, and she'd always talk to my other grandma, actually Mum’s mum, always encouraged to make a recipe book. And for Christmas a couple of years ago, she did, and she gave it to me, and it was just like, like, it brought me to tears because, you know, here are these two beautifully strong, strong women in my life – Mum’s mum has unfortunately passed now. But this, you know, these two strong women sort of joining with this, like shared love of food and supporting each other's passions, and yeah, I have, I have this cookbook of Granna’s recipes and, you know, they're not, they're not ones that you would find in your standard cookbook, there are obviously some great Asian cooking, cooking books, but you know, these are, these are my personal heritage and to an extent of a broader cultural heritage, because, you know, so much is passed down through generations and this sort of idea of intergenerationality is really strong I feel in Asian households. You know, maybe that's just my experience of it but you know, we're all in each other's lives, we're all very much in each other's pockets. Yeah, and, you know, that that's another way that I've grown to understand heritage is sort of, you know, keeping that, keeping that link from generation to generation really strong. You know, you support your parents, you know, my, my Dad and his sister support their parents. I support my grandparents, I hope to, you know, in whatever way is necessary at the time, but, you know, there's a strong sort of, theme of elder respect that I've noted through my family and I understand to be a part of Sri Lankan culture that, you know, I definitely uphold, like I think so much of the ways the ways that I move through the world are due to seeing that modelled from a really early age and the ways that interactions are done and sort of services are provided and that you know, that does come with a bit of, of what we call Sri Lankan guilt and expectations of this respect. And obviously that's fine unless it, you know, is ends up ends up sort of negatively impacting you and you're unable to, you know, provide the services. But, you know, it all comes from a place of love and preserving family and I think it's a really, I think it's a really beautiful thing because it really connects everyone to, you know, important people in your family, but also to all that knowledge from people, you know, but also you know, their elders as well. And I guess, like in terms of keeping, keeping that strong, or keep, you know, been asking myself the question, how can you keep that heritage as a clear and strong part of your identity, and I think firstly, it has so much to do with just how you move through the world and how you treat people. But in and, you know, cooking, cooking curries for friends is something I try to do and you know, only recently what I've been provided some opportunities to do some work, like I'm a musician and an artist, and I've never necessarily found a place to put my cultural identity into my art because it hasn't felt necessarily, been necessary, but now it you know, I feel like I really need to express these things because I need to find a vessel, which can sort of be a clear indicator and show- and show you know how I need a strong way to express this heritage and express my identity and I feel like art is a really powerful way to do that. And I don't think that journey will ever kind of, now that I feel like I've kind of unlocked this part of me, I don't feel like it'll ever stop, maybe it will kind of go to the background a little bit or not, but not be as important a priority, but I don't think it will ever stop because it's such an interesting thing. And a thing that keeps evolving and you know, as I get older, you know, probably my understanding of identity and culture will shift because of course you would want that to shift and grow with you and as you learn more and educate yourself more and have a greater understanding of yourself, who your parents are, who your grandparents are, you know maybe in the future who your kids are and what sort of traditions and knowledge you want them to inherit I think about that probably too much for my own sanity, but you know, I think it's yeah, it's just it's important. Family is everything to me and yeah, they're the most important part of my life. And yes, it was like being able to connect to like Sri Lankan culture in a sort of physical way, like cooking or even like drinking tea every day. We're all very particular about it. We know how we all like it, it's a part of being in the family or friends, but you know how people take their tea. But like, yeah, physical things like dressing in a saree is a way to kind of show, show that love to someone. And in this case, it's showing love to my dad's Mum, Granna, because she just holds, she holds all this knowledge and has all these gorgeous, gorgeous sarees. And it's a, it would be such a shame for them to be, to just to be cast aside and not used at all, because like, she doesn't wear them too much anymore, maybe on some special occasions. But, you know, it's not really part of the everyday because of the climate or because of practicalities. But like I would you know, they're, they're so beautiful. And when you're fully dressed up in one, it's just, it's glorious, all the lovely draping material. And it's such a hard thing to like, it's pretty difficult to put on and I just don't have that in my muscle memory, but she does with the pleating, with, with the turning and spinning the material around, she has the skills to sew her own tops and make adjustments and you know, hand, hand sort of embroider or tie and thread things are embellishment. You know, that's just like in her body. That movement, that that choreography, and it's just not, yeah, it's just it's just like not in, in mine and I, I want it to be and yeah, just I think, I think growing on and having the confidence to wear one would really sort of signi- it's a symbol it's, it's a, it's an offering of love, really, to her to the Sri Lankan side of my family, to myself, as well. Because I would feel so awful with all this knowledge just got lost. Yeah, it really eats me up. And I know this is a way that I can sort of move through those feelings. Yeah, cause when I'm in them, I feel like I've really tried it on a couple of times when I've been trying, I'm trying them on with her and you feel spectacular. And dressed in those deep, rich colours. It's incredible. I've always found that, well, I had a, I had a gorgeous purple saree as a kid I loved and the colour was just divine. And this blue saree, it's just like, my favourite colour is blue. It's always been blue. It's such a calming colour, and feel like this, this blue saree that she's given me is really, like it was kind of a shazam moment when she was like, you should have this one. Because it's this glorious, like lapis lazuli colour. And it's, you know, it's so, it's such a striking blue. And yeah, it's just, it's just, it's just come in at the right time. It's the perfect colour, the colour I feel really comfortable in, which almost like helps the transition into like wearing such an elaborate garment to me, and feeling comfortable. And all the detail, it's so cool, it's ahh, it's amazing. It's so beautiful. And I think wearing it would just represent more than I can probably imagine inwardly but also outwardly. It's just, it's a real sort of sym- it's a real signifier of like a step in my, my journey towards feeling, feeling like you know, not, not just too halves to something but as a whole something, you know, I'm still navigating, still navigating that space but you know, it's all, it's all the love and support of my beautiful family and them being so loving and willing and caring in their sharing of stories and their experiences about their own identities and their reckoning with their heritage and culture from all sides and yeah, just yeah, this, this blue is just so much, it's so beautiful. Yeah, it's very significant, I think.